Monday, December 17, 2012

Silent No More

It's been almost three years since I left my common law partner. I haven't spoken much about it but I could probably devote another ENTIRE blog to all of the drama I've endured in that time. I had no idea he was even capable of some of the things he's said and done. 

I'm choosing to speak out about it and shine the light in the dark cobwebbed corners of my life. 

The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. 
At the darkest moment comes the light. 
~ Joseph Campbell

In July, I hesitantly allowed my ex to take the kids for a weekend visit. My instincts were screaming at me not to, but my legal advisor said it would look better in court if I let him have visitation. I gave him a chance to be a responsible adult, but he blew it. He refused to give my kids back. I had to get a court order and have police assist me to retrieve them. I have not allowed him to see the kids since then. How could I possibly ever trust him again after that? 

I've dealt with all of it very patiently and calmly, guided by supportive family and friends, lawyers, police officers, social workers and my fierce mama instincts. My goal is to protect my children from harm. 

I've been the target of some pretty intense anger lately, along with some scary threats. This past weekend I received over 20 text messages from him. Every single one of them spewed venom, anger and hatred. This one scared me the most:

"I'm coming for you and anyone else that stands in the way. And when this is done you will understand your mistake. So hug the kids as much as you can. Things are going to change. Soon you will realize that it would have been easier just to have stayed friends." 

Does that sound like something a person of sound mind would say? I don't really think so. It's very worrisome. This all stemmed from me offering to allow him to video chat with the kids over Skype. I figured it would be the safest way for him to communicate with them in a controlled environment. He didn't go for that idea. He didn't think I should be allowed to monitor his conversations with his own children. Based on his past actions, I would consider myself a negligent mother NOT to monitor him. 

My hope is that he moves forward and finds peace for himself instead of continuing on this destructive path. 
We're scheduled to go to court at the end of January to figure out a custody agreement - something I should have done 3 years ago. How could I have known things would get so bad? 
"Whenever the energy of anger comes up, we often want to express it to punish the person whom we believe to be the source of our suffering. This is the habit energy in us. When we suffer, we always blame the other person for having made us suffer. We do not realize that anger is, first of all, our business. We are primarily responsible for our anger, but we believe naively that if we can say something or do something to punish the other person, we will suffer less. This kind of belief should be uprooted. Because whatever you do or say in a state of anger will only cause more damage in the relationship. Instead, we should try not to do anything or say anything when we are angry."

~Thich Nhat Hanh


  1. Trust your instinct to protect your kids. Keep records of his anger. His erratic behaviour. His threats. If you question the soundness of his mind, the judge needs to know that. Collect evidence. Create a journal/record. Do it when you are calm and collected... Man, it sucks that you have to go through this. I wish you all the best possible outcome. xo

  2. Thanks Kate! XOX I've got everything handled :)

  3. Sending Love and support your way. Keep you and your babies safe <3

  4. Hi Lori,

    I vaguely remember some old blogs or tweets that mentioned a partner and then nothing. Now I see why.

    While I certainly understand that it's sometimes difficult to stay friends when a relationship breaks up, it's not difficult to be reasonable. Especially when kids are involved; they don't need (and probably don't understand) the drama.

    I'm really sorry you have to go through this. Knowing you only through the internet, you seem very strong, with great, smart kids. I'm sure this will work out in your favour.

    All the best .... Craig

  5. Thanks for your comments Dya and Craig :)

    Craig - I completely agree that its not difficult to be reasonable. I wish my partner would realize that. Everything would be so much easier.

    I'm sure everything will work out just fine in the end.